WANTED OUT OF GROUP CHAT, TOSSED PHONE IN OCEAN

Local woman says peace has been restored, notifications have not.

BY OUR CORRESPONDENT A local woman, who wishes to remain unbothered, made headlines Friday after permanently resolving an ongoing group chat situation by yeeting her phone into the ocean.

“I was added without consent, disrespected without cause, and expected to respond in real time to things that were not real-time urgent,” she said.

“So I did what any sane woman would do.” Witnesses say she walked into the water calmly, held up her phone, whispered “absolutely not,” and launched it into the waves like it owed her money.

The group chat, titled “Everyone Be Informed,” had 38 active members, 14 unread voice notes, and a pinned message from someone’s cousin. “I didn’t want drama. I wanted freedom,” she added. “Notifications are not love.” Neither is a 67-message thread about carpool.”

When asked if she regrets her decision, she smiled. “Not even a little. The ocean understands boundaries.”

Her phone has not been recovered. WHAT WE KNOW: • She had been in the chat for 11 months and 2 days. • The final straw was a “quick question” that was, in fact, not quick. • She is currently unreachable and thriving.

“I protect my peace like it pays rent.”

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